Adventures of Sir Galahad – Chapter 8: Perilous Adventure

OUR STORY SO FAR:  After a week’s respite, Thrilling Days of Yesteryear returns to our stirring medieval saga…and we have some catching up to do.   As you know, the gallant Galahad (George Reeves) is seeking membership in the Knights of the Round Table of Arthur, King of the Britons (Nelson Leigh).  Unfortunately, on the night of his initiation he indulges in some drugged wine and goes sleepy-bye rather quickly, allowing Arthur’s sword, Excalibur, to be snatched away by a mysterious personage known as The Black Knight.  (By the way—if you know of any job outside of bartending that allows people to drink on duty, my resume is up to date.)  It is first thought that the valuable sword—which makes its wielder invincible—has fallen into the hands of Saxon king Ulric (John Merton)…but we have now learned by mid-serial that Ulric was given a clever counterfeit, and Excalibur remains MIA.

Bartog (Don C. Harvey), chamberlain and toadying sidekick to Ulric, returns to Camelot to confront The Black Knight on the matter of the missing sword…and finds himself captured by Sir Kay (Jim Diehl) and a few of the palace guards.  Galahad convinces King Arthur to stay Bartog’s execution for treason by just incarcerating him in the dungeon while he and comic relief sidekick Sir Bors (Charles King) await the arrival of B.K. to spring Bartog in the hopes of exposing him as one of Arthur’s knights.  Both Bartog and B.K. manage to foil Galahad and Bors, and when our two heroes trap Kay in the dungeon in order to pursue the two men, Kay announces that Bors is out of the ka-niggit club.  Fugitives Gal and Bors track Bartog to a local tavern and whorehouse, but before an undercover Galahad can put the cuffs on Bartog, Sir Kay enters the establishment and removes Galahad’s disguise.  A furious sword fight ensues, and Galahad finds himself directly in the path of a falling candle-lit chandelier courtesy of The Black Knight…

…ho ho!  Missed it by that much!  Galahad ducks in the nick of time, and since the illumination in the Inn of the Ram’s Head is now somewhat diminished, The Black Knight has a distinct fighting advantage because concealed in his helmet are night vision goggles.  He starts to tangle with Sir Kay, and soon has his Kayness at his mercy, rendering him unconscious and splayed out on a table.

But wait!  Galahad has gotten to his feet, and leaps to Kay’s rescue by pulling The Black Knight off of Kay before B.K. does him in!   Galahad then turns around to grab a sword in order to exchange cold steel with the Knight, but B.K. conveniently runs out a side door.  So what does Sir Kay do when he comes to—does he thank Galahad or say, “Gosh, dude…I had you judged wrong.  Let’s get the bartender to set us up with some chicken wings and a round of brewskies!”

He does not!  “Defend yourself, traitor!” he howls, starting some major swordlery with Galahad.  I don’t care how the events of this serial turn out—if I’m Galahad and am eventually granted a seat at the Round Table; Sir Kay had best be checking his chair for gum at every opportunity.

GALAHAD: I have no wish to harm you, Sir Kay!

KAY: You thought to trick me by attacking The Black Knight…but you failed!

Well, whatever.  So there’s more swordplay, the tavern owner, One-Eye (Ray “Crash” Corrigan) gets the lights back on…and outside the Inn of the Ram’s Head, sidekick Sir Bors keeps trying to get into the tavern but is comically knocked on his heinie by outlaws running out the door.

So, when he finally gets the tavern entrance, Sir Bors watches as about four guys try to take on Galahad…and he just kind of stands there, paralyzed with fright.  (“You know…this really isn’t my battle…”)  Ferchrissake, go in and help your friend, you wanker!  Instead, Bors runs back outside while Galahad goes up the stairs and out a window because his stuntman is about to make a jump for it…and by that time, Bors has arrived with Galahad’s horse for the stuntman to land on.  (I suppose they could have worked this out in advance.  “Okay, if I’m really in trouble I’m going to make a break for it via the second floor…so be sure you have the horses ready.”)  They then ride away.

“Shall we give chase, Sir Kay?” asks one of Kay’s men.  “No—they will be lost in darkness,” Kay tells him, exhibiting a kind of wussy leadership.  “But our day will come.”  (Sir Ruby and the Romantics, ladies and gentlemen…mead for everybody!)

Galahad and Bors, having ridden for many miles, find themselves on Desolate Road.

BORS: Why are we stopping in this cold and dismal spot, Galahad?

GALAHAD: ‘Cause all the others are too hot…

I swear I’m not making that up.  That is actual dialogue from this chapter.

GALAHAD: …tomorrow we must learn what makes The Black Knight so friendly with thieves and cutthroats…

BORS: I suppose you can do that…

GALAHAD: We’ll begin by finding his camp…

BORS: If he has one…

GALAHAD: Meanwhile…let us find some sleep…

And they dismount.  There is then a dissolve to the very camp Galahad and Bors need to find, in which extras carry sacks back and forth and mill around in the background.  We then eavesdrop on a conversation between Bartog and Cawker (Pierce Lyden), the scar-faced leader of the band of rebels determined to suppress the vote in the kingdom surrounding Camelot in the name of stamping out voter fraud.

BARTOG: They’d have never of found us through the forest…have some wine, Cawker… (He pours him a generous slash)

CAWKER: The way we gave the slip to the proud Knight of the Round Table…

BARTOG: You and your lads did well…

CAWKER: When we do we get the proud rewards you promised us?

“Seeing as how we’re Rewards Club members and all…”

BARTOG: All in due time, Cawker…

So this next bit literally made me laugh out loud.  From one of the tents, The Black Knight emerges in full regalia.  I was like, “Did he sleep with that helmet on the whole time?”  Seeing him, Bartog saunters over to converse with the black-helmeted villain.

BLACK KNIGHT: You’ll take command here, Bartog…I must return to Camelot…

BARTOG: Before Arthur discovers that one of his knights is missing?

BLACK KNIGHT: Yes…and calls the roll to find who he is…

“Shabooya sha sha…shabooya roll call…shabooya sha sha…shabooya roll call…”

My name is Arthur

And I’m the King

We’ll find this traitor

And make him swing

“You’ll hear from me,” The Black Knight tells Bartog in his Paul Frees voice.  The scene then shifts to Arthur’s court, where Sir Kay has just finished calling the roll.

KAY: …that completes the roll call, Your Majesty…every knight is accounted for…save one…

Dun-dun-DUN!!!

ARTHUR: I cannot believe him to be this Black Knight…

And with those words, Sir Lancelot (Hugh Prosser) comes strolling in, as if he had not a care in the world.  Could he be the mysterious Black Knight?

ARTHUR: …indeed I do not have to…your tardiness gave me worry, Sir Lancelot…

“I apologize, my liege.  I was just out walking the parapet.”

LANCELOT: I was questioning a scout sent to spy on Ulrich, sire…he reports the Saxon King is still in hiding…and evidently planning no present moves…

ARTHUR: He also feels the lack of Excalibur, eh?

LANCELOT: He left behind a good supply of arms at his old camp…Excalibur is not among them…but they are of considerable value…

ARTHUR: Then go with Sir Kay to fetch them…if Ulric is quiet, you won’t need many men…

Meanwhile, back in the forest, Bors and Galahad exchange some dialogue that produced another laugh-out-loud response from myself.

BORS: Doubtless you think it’s an easy matter to find that outlaw camp…

GALAHAD: One more “doubtless” out of you and I’ll doubtless crack you right on your thick…

Please do not ask me to explain why this struck me so funny.  My mother often tells the story of how I was dropped on my thick as a child.  Galahad is interrupted by the sound of hoofbeats from an approaching rider…

GALAHAD: That fellow’s in great haste…

“Yea, verily…he doth appear to be hauling ass…”  Our heroes watch as the rider continues to gallop at full throttle, so Galahad tells Bors “Let’s find out,” and they ride off after him.  One scene dissolve later, and the rider arrives at a clearing…where he stops and issues a call that sounds sort of like an owl but could also be the same call Bob & Doug McKenzie used to use to open their “Great White North” segment on SCTV.  The camera pans up to two men on a cliff face, and upon hearing the “password” they wave the man through.

GALAHAD: Perhaps two can play at that game…

BORS: You mean three…

Galahad and Bors then ride up to the same spot previously occupied by the rider and Galahad issues the owl call.  (I guess the sentries are so far up on the cliff face they’re unable to tell that our heroes are dressed as ka-niggits.)  Bors attempts to mimic the password, too…but he botches the call, prompting Galahad to smack his arms and scold “Stop that!”  (I laughed out loud at this, too.)

Gal and Bors do not ride far before they arrive at a clearing where the outlaws’ camp is located.  “This appears to be what we’ve been seeking,” observes Galahad, as the two of them dismount from their horses.  Bors hangs back while Galahad goes in for a closer look; the rider then addresses Bartog and Cawker.

BARTOG: What brings you here, Cedric?

CEDRIC: A message from your friend within the walls of Camelot…

BARTOG: What is it?

CEDRIC: Arthur has sent a small force to pick up the arms left behind by King Ulric…

BARTOG: Did our friend send any orders for me?

CEDRIC: Yes…you are to attack the knights on their way back to Camelot…their way leads through the Valley of the Vultures…

“Mel?  God?  Neely?   NEEEEEEELYYY O'HARAAAAAAAA!!!”   (Whoops…wrong valley.)  Anyway, Bartog expresses concern that their quest will be “a long journey” but Cawker is most reassuring: “I know a secret way through the hills that will shorten it.”  Ah, yes…the old shortcut ploy.  “We’ll leave at once,” decrees Bartog.  “Those supplies will be more useful to us than to Arthur.”

So Cawker excuses himself to gather the men, and Bartog instructs Cedric: “Return to our friend at Camelot and tell him his orders will be obeyed.”  This is Galahad’s cue to stop his eavesdropping and make his way back to Bors and the horses…but while doing so, he runs into one of the outlaws and he clasps his hand over his mouth to keep him from yelling out to the others.  Then Galahad head-butts him (I had to stop the serial at this point to recover from my coughing spell), and drags his unconscious form into the bushes.  Two other outlaws then spot Bors standing by with the horses, and when they rush to attack him…

…one of them goes sailing over the knight when Bors ducks.  The other starts throwing punches at Bors, and when Bors throws him off his partner comes in as if on a tag team.  Partner throws a punch at Bors, and hits his helmet, causing him to wince in pain.  The fight stops while Bors examines the hand to make sure the guy hasn’t broken any bones, and then he hits the guy with a haymaker.  I don’t know who decided to up the comedic content in this serial, but I applaud their efforts.

Galahad finally doubles back to where he left Bors, and he helps his chum dispose of the two outlaws who would do them harm.

BORS: What’s afoot?

It’s on the end of aleg.  (Yeah, I went there.  Sorry about that.)

GALAHAD: Bartog and the outlaws go to steal supplies from Arthur…

BORS: Well, we could easily arrive first and give warning…

GALAHAD: Not so easily…these outlaws know short paths of which we have no knowledge…

BORS: Well, then it’s our duty to go…I had hoped for a sample of some stolen outlaw venison…

That reminds me…I could do with a venison sandwich right now.  Oh…so as Galahad and Bors ride off—and as Bartog is telling his loyal outlaw minions to “Follow me”—the scene then shifts to a shot of Arthur’s men slowly making their way along a road, with two wagons filled with the stolen swag from Ulric bringing up the rear.  Kay and Lancelot stop suddenly.

LANCELOT: This is a likely spot for ambush…

KAY: But Ulric is hiding in a distant cave…you need not fear him…

Oh, get with the program. Kaybo.  We dumped Ulric as the villain of this piece a chapter or two back—you have new foes to worry about.  “Is good sense cowardice?” asks Lancelot.  “At least send some scouts ahead, Sir Kay.”

“We’ll do our own scouting,” replies Kay, implying that as much of a nervous Nellie as Lancelot is, “your sight should be that as an eagle.”

The caravan lumbers on, and there is a cut to a shot of the outlaws getting ready in ambush position throughout the hills ahead.  But another underling (it could be Cedric the Entertainer…er, Messenger) runs up the hill to where Bartog and the others await…

BARTOG: What is it, man?

LACKEY: Two spies were in the camp…they may upset our plans…

BARTOG: They’re too late…the prize is ours for the taking…

CAWKER: The advantage is ours, too…even without forces…

BARTOG: We’ll follow the plan agreed upon…

I don’t know precisely how effective this ambush is going to be if none of the outlaws appear to have any sort of serious weaponry (besides the swords)…but be that as it may, a cut to Galahad and Bors racing to the rescue of Arthur’s ka-niggits follows, and…

KAY: By Arthur’s lost sword!  There’s Galahad and Bors!  Since they seem not to fear for their lives we’ll put fear in them!

LANCELOT: Don’t be so hasty, Sir Kay…

KAY: Lancelot…take command…Sir Modred—come with me!

Kay and Modred (Leonard Penn) race their horses to meet Galahad and Bors—and Galahad and Kay waste not a moment in brandishing their swords at one another.

GALAHAD: Your column’s being attacked!

KAY: You lie!

GALAHAD: Look!

Sure as you’re born, the rebels start running down from the hills and begin attacking Lancelot and the others with swords and fistlery.  Galahad and Bors rush to Lancelot’s aid, and as for Modred and Kay…

…they sit on those horses the entire damn fight.  What a pair of douchebags.

Well, let’s cut to the quick on this one…the battle rages on until one of the rebels swipes one of the wagons containing Ulric’s discarded arms, prompting Galahad to chase after him on horseback.  They go right by Modred and Kay…

…who continue to sit douchily on their steeds.  There’s more exchange of cold steel, crosscutting with Galahad’s pursuit of the wagon, then more fighting, then more douchebaggery from Modred and Kay until finally…

…a suspenseful process screen shot of Galahad and his adversary fighting in the wagon…so you know what this is leading up to…

Take it away, Knox Manning!

MANNING: Why has Sir Bors gone to the outlaw inn again?

It’s All-You-Can-Eat-Venison night!

MANNING: Will the Black Knight lead the outlaws to victory?

Ehhhhh…could be!